LOTR:WTF?
by poisonreign
Summary: A parody of the Fellowship of the Ring. Mucho Stupido. Chapter 7 up! R&R!people. please R
1. I Can Feel it in My Knees

(A/N: This is just a harmless piece of parody fic to keep me entertained, and hopefully some of you reading this entertained as well. I just wanted to write one because it's something fun to do and it's not like I have a life anyway so…)

Disclaimer: I don't actually own the Lord of the Rings. Shocking, I know. I wouldn't want to own everything with the Lord of the Rings anyways, just the Shire and the hobbits in it (preferably Merry and Pippin). You can keep your fancy ales.

Introduction:

Galadriel: The world is changing. I can feel in my knees – it's also going to rain tomorrow, I can feel that in my neck. Once that was not forgotten is now forgotten and once that was forgotten is remembered and once that was remembered is only sort of remembered because I keep losing the pad I write my messages on.

But anyways, there were these rings that were given to the elves so they could rule their elf people, there were some more rings given to the dwarves 'cause they have those cool beards working for them. We gave some rings to men too, just to laugh at them when they fell into shadow (I mean, come on, we all saw it coming). But then we decided to play a prank on them 'cause Sauron made another ring that pretty much rendered their rings useless. Just as Ashton Kutcher was about to come out and say "You got punk'd fools!" Sauron though it'd be cool to try to take over Middle Earth. A major breach of contract I can tell you.

So then Sauron went around corrupting and killing people until some elves and men finally decided 'hey! Maybe we should fight back!' So Sauron got his finger cut off and like the wuss he was disintegrated into ash. Isildur, the dude who took the ring from Sauron, decided to keep it because he's a moron and the hearts of men are easily corrupted (well duh). Isildur died and the ring fell in the river and everyone forgot about it because it's not like it could bring destruction to all of Middle Earth or anything…oh wait.

A person kind of like a hobbit named Deagol found the ring but his bud Smeagol got pissed because he didn't like his real birthday gift and killed him. Smeagol went to hang out with some goblins in the Misty Mountains for a while but found he would rather sit in the dark for five hundred years eating nasty raw fish than hear the goblin king go on about how great he is every day for the rest of his unnaturally long life.

A hobbit named Bilbo Baggins was going through the Mountains when he found the Ring and put it in his pocket. He beat Gollum (he changed his name to the only sound he could make without saying 'Precious' after) in a riddle game (you can tell these guys were cool) and took the ring away to his home in the Shire. Hobbits are cool and there's gonna be a time when they shape the fortunes of all, neat huh?

(A/N I'm not gonna keep writing if nobody likes my parody story so I'm going to need some reviews telling me either to shut the hell up and stop writing horrible fics, or to continue because you're interested to see where this goes. I'm encouraging honesty and I don't get mad at honest people.)


	2. A Wizard is Never Late

A/N Decided to give it go! Thanks for the constructive and nice reviews for the introduction! May not be very long but I've been sick lately and I will write longer chapters later.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Lord of the Rings – the movies or the books, well I own the movies in the books, but I don't OWN own them if you know what I mean. Yeah.

A hobbit was leaning against a tree, doing things. He heard a familiar voice singing off in the distance and jumped up, excited. He began running at a great speed towards the noise and knocked himself unconscious on a tree. Ten minutes later he got up and continued running. He soon reached a road to find an old man passing by in a cart. The old man stopped and looked on at the hobbit.

"You're late," the hobbit said matter-of-factly.

The old man lifted his hat to reveal his face, "no Frodo, you're late. I'm a wizard."

"What?"

"What?"

"Huh?"

"Ha?"

"Woozaa?"

"Chicken?"

"Pot?"

"Pie?"

This continues for about five minutes until Frodo finally apologized for being late.

Frodo jumped into the old man's arms, laughing, "it's wonderful to see you Gandalf!" he exclaimed, then pulled back, "but not smell you. Geez shower much?"

Gandalf laughed at this small, ignorant creature, "dear Frodo, I don't need to shower – I'm a wizard!"

A confused look passed over Frodo's face until he broke out in a patronizing smile, "of course you are! And you're the best wizard there is! Aren't you? Aren't you?"

Gandalf, unperturbed, "yes!"

The two rode on in silence through the Shire, only breaking the silence to talk about nothing anyone cares about anyways.

When the cart neared Bag End, Frodo brought up his Uncle Bilbo's party that night, "he's up to something."

"Yes, he is, he's planning on playing a trick on the guests at his birthday party by disappearing and then going to Rivendell," Gandalf explained.

"Do you know what he's up to Gandalf?" Frodo inquired.

"Yeah, I – uh – just told you bud, he's going to put on his ring at his party and go move in with the elves," the wizard explained – again.

"You know, it would be nice if you to kept me in the loop sometimes. It's always 'Oh let's go off and have fun and not tell Frodo anything, so he feels left out and secretly cries in his room when no one's home!'" the young hobbit exclaimed.

Gandalf, now frustrated, threw his hands up in the air, "Okay, first of all, I didn't know you were in the room when I said that, and second, I just told you what Bilbo's doing!"

Frodo, now perfectly cheerful, just hopped off the cart and said, "Fine then, keep your secrets."

Gandalf just gave Frodo a look and waved him goodbye. The young hobbit disappeared into the trees, happily being stupid.

The old wizard reached Bilbo's hole and hopped down from his cart (just like a bunny – or a kangaroo!). Walking up to the door, Gandalf disregarded the sign on the gate which read 'No Admittance – I'm Serious, Piss Off!' When Gandalf knocked an angry yell came from inside.

"Did you READ the sign?!" Bilbo called.

Gandalf shook his head and smile, some people were just so simple, "I don't need to read signs – I'm a wizard, hello!"

Bilbo opened the door to see his old friend standing at his step and ran to embrace the wizard, "my dear Gandalf! Come in, come in!"

The two went inside and began chatting among themselves.

"You know you don't _look_ like you're eleventy-one Bilbo, what's your secret?" Gandalf asked, sitting at the hobbit's dining table.

Bilbo smiled and pressed his hand to his face, "oh you know a hobbit never tells!" He laughed and sat down.

Gandalf nodded, "botox right?"

Bilbo's voice dropped an octave, "yeah."

"I feel old Gandalf; I know I don't look it. I'm starting to feel stretched, like butter over too much bread," Bilbo stared meaningfully across the table at Gandalf, while fingering something in his jacket pocket.

"Actually could I have some butter and bread? I haven't really eaten in like three days so - ," Gandalf started.

"I start to feel the age especially when Frodo's around, he brings Sam over and they laugh and dance and sing and it makes me feel -,"

"Yeah, that's great. I'm hungry."

"– I need a holiday. A long holiday and I don't expect I shall return, in fact I mean not to," Bilbo finished; a hard look had crept over his face.

Gandalf nodded slowly, "don't care really, I'll just help myself then," he said as he reached over to get a slice of bread.

"Yes of course he does, he's a Baggins, not some block-headed Bracegirdle from Hardbottle," Bilbo smiled.

Gandalf looked around behind him and stared back at Bilbo, "uh – what? You're talking about – Frodo?"

"He'd probably come with me if I asked him. I think in his heart Frodo is still in love with the Shire," Bilbo went and stared out the window.

Gandalf turned to the hobbit, mouth full of bread, "'Kay…"

Suddenly the two are now smoking outside of the home. Bilbo is blowing smoke circles and Gandalf is laughing as he watches his hand moves – hmm, I guess its _super _special pipeweed.

Bilbo tried to catch the smoke circle he just blew and fell off the bench. The two friends burst out laughing and continued laughing until Bilbo set himself back on the bench.

"Randalf, my friend, this will be a night to remember," Bilbo smiled and then burst out laughing again.

Gandalf nodded, "Too bad we won't remember it!" he laughed as he began puffing away on his pipe.

A/N all fer now. Review please, flamers welcome – I just need honest opinions (not just MUSH's). Is it even funny? I dont know.


	3. A Disappearance, Mary & the Death Mark

A/N I'm updating! Yeehaw! This is exciting because I've never continued with a fic past the second entry before becoming too lazy and deleting it. So big pat on the back for me! Even if this chappy sucks, it's a step in the right direction! So let's raise this mofo to the ground. I dunno. I'm done with that now.

Disclaimer: What? I DON'T own LOTR? What kind of crap is that? Well fine, I don't own the lord of the rings. Pfft, you're all crazy, all two of you reading this. I also don't Harry Potter but I'm fine with that.

Chapter 2

It was nighttime in the Shire and a perty humungo party was gathered on this particular night. I'm talking balloons, crazy party hats; the works. A huge explosion lit up the sky and the hobbits below gasped as they saw a huge firework monkey eating crackers above.

All of the hobbits at Bilbo's birthday were dancing and having a good time, well most of them were. I don't know if you could actually call it dancing, it looked more like they were all in a mental institution and were experiencing electric shock therapy for the first time. Samwise Gamgee was sitting face first in a tankard of ale, and lapping up his hearty grog with his tongue.

Frodo stopped having spasms on the ground to pull Sam's soaking face out of his drink.

"Sammy my friend, you should be dancing! Why aren't you dancing? Dance my monkey, get out there and dance!" Frodo laughed maniacally.

Sam wiped his dripping wet face off on Frodo's shirt, "but who would I dance with Mr. Frodo? No, I don't think so."

Frodo laughed again (why? I don't know), "why with Rosie you silly little ponce! Now dance!"

"Actually there's someone else I'd rather dance with," Sam looked meaningfully at Frodo.

Frodo smiled obliviously, "yes! Rosie!"

With that he threw Sam into the crowd of spazzing people where he was grabbed by Rosie. They started to 'dance', it was very touching.

Meanwhile Bilbo was entertaining a bunch of tiny hobbit children by telling them of his adventures in the Wild.

"And there I was, walking along a path, and we were all arguing about which way we wanted to go. Well we were all arguing for so long that we didn't realize sun's first light had crept over the trees and poof!"

All of the hobbits gasped excitedly.

"It was light now so we realized there was only one way on the path anyways." Bilbo nodded.

Gandalf was busy making more monkey fireworks for the hobbit children and had left his wagon unattended for the moment. Two youth hobbits, understood to be Peregrin (Pippin) Took and Mer (mumbles something in audible) Something – or - other, came sneakily out from behind a tent (yes very sneaky my precious, very sneaky). The one called Pippin appeared to be stoned out of his mind and the one called (mumble) appeared to be fall down drunk, what a pair.

Mary lifted up Pippin and threw him into the wagon – knocking it over. The hobbits looked around to see if anyone noticed and surprisingly nobody did, they were too busy being wasted. Speaking of fall down drunk, Mery was quickly signaling his friend to get a firework. Pippin tried to hold up a super huge firework but he kept dropping it and laughing because he said it looked like his ex-girlfriend. He finally was able to hold it up for Maree to see and when he did Merri shook his head emphatically.

"Nooooo, th'big 'un, the biiigg 'un," Marie said, stumbling a little bit backwards as he helped himself to the ale in his hand. He spilled most of it all over him in his drunken stupor.

Pippin stared at his friend laughing for a few minutes and then finally grabbed the smallest firework in the pile. Mauri nodded his approval as Pippin jumped down from the tipped over wagon. They then disappeared into the tent.

In the tent, Mfdsfsfy was trying to hold the firework steady but kept dropping it on Pippin's head. Not that Pippin minded, he though that his friend was a teeny tiny oliphant with curly golden hair.

"Hit me with your trunk again Sally!" Pippin yelled.

"Hee hee, okay," and Marty dropped the firecracker again.

Then Pippin finally lit the firework but also accidentally lit Merie's alcohol drenched shirt on fire. Melly didn't seem to notice.

"There, uh, done," Pippin smiled.

Melee sighed, "'ur s'posed to stick it in the ground!"

"'Tis in the ground!"

"Outside you bloody moron!"

"This was your idea! I'M the bloody moron? Hello! You're on fire!" Pippin cried and the firework went up into the sky, forming the Death Mark in the sky. A bunch of people ran past Pippin on the ground and a flaming Morty (sounds like a drink that does). A man-boy of about fifteen ran past carrying a foot long stick. He looked just like his father – except for he had his mother's eyes. Another blonde girl ran past, following the boy.

"Harry! Harry! Can you introduce me to Snape? Pleaaaaasseee?" Michelle cried, and then she saw Pippin, "Billeh! Oh my god! Squee!"

The girl was then carried away in the crowd of people and seen in the Shire never again – thank god.

Anyways, Marky was now rolling around in the grass while Pippin was also rolling around in the grass laughing his cute little bumbum off.

"That was grrreat (Tony the Tiger moment), let's get another one!" Pippin laughed hysterically.

Then Gandalf came over and grabbed the two by the ears, "Marry-a-duck Sandy-crack, and Peregrin Took, I might have known."

Movie looked confused, "actually my name's –."

"Sandy crack! Ha ha ha!" Pippin laughed.

"My crack is not sandy thank you, and I have no intention of marrying a duck!"

Gandalf laughed, "Sure… now go wash dishes! Do it now!"

So now Ferry and Pippin were washing dishes while Bilbo got up on a tree stump to make his birthday speech.

"Sit down! We don't want a speech!" cried the drunken hobbits.

Bilbo smiled, "my dear Bagginses and Boffins," people cheered, "Tooks," cheer, "and Brandybucks!,"

"They're not here!" came a cry from Pippin.

"Hey!" cried Mari.

Bilbo went through a list of other family names and ended on Proudfoots which everyone thought was very funny because that family likes to show off their feet or something.

"Alas," Bilbo started again after the _hysterical _laughter died down, "eleventy one years is a long time, a very long time" cheers from the audience, "I don't know enough of you as much as I want and I don't like most of you as much as you deserve."

All of the hobbits looked at each other confused.

What are you trying to say?!" someone yelled out.

"Well I've put this off for far too long. This is the end. I'm going to disappear right now, literally. Goodbye," said Bilbo.

"What are you trying to say?!" someone called out from the crowd.

Bilbo then disappeared, leaving his guests to sit their in wonder.

"What are you trying to say?" came again.

"Shut up, you moron," someone responded.

Back at Bag End, Bilbo reappeared.

"I suppose you think that was terribly clever," Gandalf said, sneaking up on Bilbo from behind.

"Uh, yeah pretty much," Bilbo nodded.

"Well, ok then."

"Listen can you make sure Frodo's okay when I'm gone? I don't trust that Sam fellow around him. He smells Frodo's hair when he thinks I'm not looking; platonic brotherly love my ass," Bilbo asked, while getting some stuff together.

"Two eyes, as often as I can spare them," Gandalf said importantly.

"Who said anything about eyes?" Bilbo gave the wizard a quizzical look.

Gandalf looked at the hobbit meaningfully.

Bilbo nodded, "doesn't matter…right…you're a wizard, and we're all very proud."

Gandalf smiled, "so you're leaving the ring to Frodo right?"

"You know, I don't really want to. It's mine, I found it, it came to me," Bilbo sighed sadly.

"Well there's no need to get angry."

"I'm not angry, it's just how I feel. It's mine, my own, my preeeccioussss," Bilbo said softly, he had pulled out the ring and started stroking it.

"Um, you should probably give it to Frodo, or me, you know I kind of always wanted it for myself," Gandalf moved closer to his friend.

"You, you want it for yourself!" Bilbo accused.

Gandalf nodded, "um, yeah. I could live with you giving it to Frodo though."

Bilbo started to cry and then ran to Gandalf and hugged him.

"You're right; the ring must go to Frodo," Bilbo sighed as he prepared to walk out the front door, "it is late, the road is long…yes it is time."

Gandalf stared at Bilbo, "the ring is still in your pocket."

"Oh can't get past you," Bilbo smirked, "o very well."

Bilbo pulled out the ring and then let it fall to the floor, it didn't bounce.

Gandalf looked at the ring, confused, "why didn't it bounce?"

"Oh, well it is magic, plus you know, medal probably, not like those cheap rubber rings nowadays," Bilbo nodded knowledgably.

The two walked out the door and Bilbo lifted his head high, "I thought up an ending to my book," he turned to look at Gandalf, "the two walked out the door and Bilbo lifted his head high."

"I'm sure you will, my dear friend," Gandalf smiled sadly.

"I just did, so I think that's pretty good. Goodbye Gandalf."

"Goodbye, dear Bilbo."

Bilbo walked down the front path, went through the gate and began his journey down the road, singing that well known song that no one really likes.

"Everybody's talking all this stuff about me, why don't they just let me live?

Something, something something something something something, that's my prerogative."

A/N sigh. That's all then. I loathe Brittany Spears and Bobby Brown so I don't know why I had that song in the fic, but whatever. And so sorry about the Sam loving Frodo thing, I'm not really into that kind of thing but I had to make Sam weird somehow. Please review! I'll know if you didn't! And you don't want me to know that you know that you didn't review! Trust me; I have connections to the Canadian mob.


	4. I Can't Believe it Didn't Bounce

/N Bonjour mon belles amis! Comment ca va? Je suis tres stupide! Updating now. Thanks everyone for the reviews, gave me a warm fuzzy. Hey! I don't even have to fight my own battles, I'll just get mushyMUSH to! And I guess by saying I want honesty, I meant 'make it sound like honesty but really lie to me and tell me the story is great' o well, doesn't really matter does it? Enough babbling, here's the fic.

Disclaimer: The lord of the rings is owned by some people. I am not one of these people. I have tried to become one of these people but the restraining orders have gotten in the way of me obtaining my goal. I do have a plastic dollar store Sting though, so I think we know who won here. Hahahahahahahahahahaha hears the fic.

Frodo didn't feel like partying after his uncle/cousin left so he walked/skipped back to his hole/pencil. He opened the door/pants to find his uncle/presidents ring/dog bone. Gandalf was sitting on a chair by the fireplace muttering to himself.

"Puzzles in the light….my prerogative… wait ten minutes then flip, wait until side turns a golden brown, then sprinkle with some paprika," the wizard muttered.

"He's really gone!" Frodo said and began to cry.

Gandalf stirred, and then said sarcastically, "Yeah, this must be so hard for you if only you had had some notice."

"I know!" the hobbit agreed between sobs. The tears gushing from his enormous eyes had now formed quite a large pool of eye juice on the floor.

Gandalf turned to the weeping hobbit, "Bag End is yours now, and the dog bo – I mean ring." Gandalf got up and pried Frodo's hand open to get the ring, "we must keep it somewhere out of site." The wizard said as he threw the ring across the room. It landed on the middle of the floor with a thud. It didn't bounce ooooooooooooooooooo…creepy.

"What are you doing?" Frodo asked.

Gandalf shrugged, "I'm sure it will be hidden wherever it lands. You know I'm a - ."

Frodo silenced the wizard with his hand, "that's okay, its okay, never mind – I don't care. Now let's just get some sleep. At least you're still with me."

Gandalf went over to the door, "nope, I'm leaving too."

"But, why?"

"Because I um, have, uh, questions about – things, you know things that need answering. There's also um – a recipe – that I've wanted to - . You know what Frodo?! It's not a hobbits business what an important wizard like me needs to do, so you can just stop shooting all these tough questions at me okay?"

Frodo stared blankly for a couple minutes, and then shook his head, "but – you've only just arrived! I don't understand!"

"Of course you don't understand youdaft hobbit! Although I have just clearly pointed out to you what is going on! I just need to leave now. You think I want to help you clean up after that party? That Pippin fellow and his friend Marcus vomited all over everything. Just keep the ring secret, keep it safe," Gandalf opened the door and moved to walk out.

Frodo nodded, not understanding anything. He pointed to the ring on the floor, in clear view for anyone to see, if it caught the light you could probably see it from outside too, "can I move - ?"

"No Frodo! Geez you hobbits are so simple! Just – bye!" Gandalf walk out and slammed the door behind him. Unfortunately it fell off his hinges and the wizard had to stick around a bit longer to make sure that Frodo got the door safely back on.

When everything was set right, Gandalf opened the door and moved to walk out again, "no Frodo! Geez you hobbits are so simple! Just – bye!" This time the door was shut lightly.

"Bye," said Frodo sadly. (awwwwwwwwwww)

He looked at the ring on the floor, very concerned that it didn't' bounce.

**Meanwhile at the dungeons of Barad-Dur….**

"Middle Earth!" Gollum cried "Creature!"

The gates of Minus Morgul opened and nine riders dressed all in hot pink (the horses too!) came out to go get the ring for their master.

**And while that was happening, check out what happened in Minas Tirith…**

Gandalf had ridden to Minas Tirith to read some lost scrolls or something (all by his wittle self!) and found some mildly interesting stuff. It told us stuff we already know so who really cares about that part?

**Back in the Shire…**

A hobbit was chopping wood in front of his home. His dog keeps barking until finally his axe slips and the barking ceases. The hobbit is approached by a pink rider.

"Middle Earth," it hissed, "creature."

"What?" the hobbit asked.

The pink rider moved its horse towards the hobbit menacingly and the hobbit moved back to his door fearfully.

"There's no Bagginses around here, they're all up in Hobbiton. That way."

The pink wraith then galloped off into the night.

After a night of hard drinking, Frodo went back to his lonely hole to sleep. It was tiring work explaining to Sam why it wasn't necessary that he spend the night and that he was quite capable of tucking himself into bed. Just as Frodo shut the door, Gandalf jumped out at him.

"Boo!"

"Ah! Holy geez! You scared me Gandalf!"

Gandalf nodded, "damn right I did."

Frodo swallowed and composed himself, well as well as he could in his drunken state, "so what's – ah – up bud?"

"We've no time for small talk Frodo. Where's the ring?" Gandalf demanded, shaking Frodo.

Frodo didn't say anything, he just pointed to the spot on the floor where Gandalf had thrown the ring.

"Ah yes," the wizard bent down, picked up the ring, and threw it in the fireplace.

"Would you stop throwing that thing around?" Frodo cried and ran to the fireplace.

Gandalf didn't answer and fished the ring out of the fire with some tongs, "hold out your hand, it's quite cool."

Frodo held out his hand to receive the ring. When it was dropped onto his palm though, there was a sizzling noise and the hobbit cried out in pain.

Gandalf smiled, "gotcha again youdaft little thing. You are the most gullible creature imaginable."

Frodo forced his grimace to turn into a smile, "yeah, you got me. You stupid little git." He mumbled the last part under his breath.

Gandalf picked up the ring and handed it to Frodo again, this time there was no burning of people's skin, "what do you see? Can you see anything?"

Frodo nodded, "yes, there are markings. It says 'One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to - ."

"There are few who can. The language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here," Gandalf interrupted.

Frodo was used to his wizard friend being useless so he went along, "is that right? Mordor? Wow, you're so smart Gandalf."

"Yes well, we can't all be useless like you now can we?"

"I guess not." Frodo rolled his eyes.

The two were then magically transported to the kitchen. Frodo had a mug of tea in his hand and Gandalf was wearing a bonnet.

"Well anyways, this is the One Ring. It was forged by the Dark Lord Sauron in the fires of Mount Doom, taken by Isildur from the hand of Sauron himself," Gandalf continued.

"But didn't Sauron die when his finger was cut off?" Frodo asked.

"Isildur…" whispered the Ring.

Gandalf and Frodo looked alarmed at the gold band.

"How 'bout you not talk when I'm about to?" Gandalf told the Ring.

"You can go to hell…" whispered the Ring again.

Gandalf shook his head, "the Ring wasn't destroyed so it only makes sense that Sauron's spirit didn't die because it is tied to the Ring."

"Uh huh," Frodo nodded, confused.

"Well the Dark Lord is looking for it now. All his thought is bent on it."

Frodo got up, knocking over the table and causing Gandalf's bonnet to become crooked, "Well then we put it away. We never speak of it again. No one knows it's here, do they?" Then Frodo turns to Gandalf after a pause, "do they Gandalf?"

"Uh, nope I don't think so." The wizard replied.

"Oh, well – good," Frodo then moved to put the Ring away in a cabinet.

"Actually - ," Gandalf started and Frodo paused, "there was one who knew about the Ring. I looked everywhere for the creature Gollum. Well not everywhere, almost everywhere. Actually now that I remember I _meant _to look for Gollum but I got side-tracked, you know how these things are. Anyways, they tortured him a lot and amidst the babble, they discerned two words: Middle Earth, Creature."

"Middle Earth? Creature? Why that would lead them here!" Frodo cried, "take it Gandalf, take it!"

"Okay," Gandalf said and reached out to receive the Ring.

Frodo hesitated and held the Ring back, "actually never mind. What must I do?"

After he spoke these words, Frodo found himself packing up his stuff, Gandalf's bonnet was now replaced with a top hat.

"Get out of the Shire. Make for the village of Bree," Gandalf told his short friend, "make for the Inn of the Prancing Pony."

Frodo nodded, "sure thing. What about you?"

"I'm going to see Saruman, alone. He's super strong and probably crazy from researching the Enemy for so long. He'll know what to do…maybe," Gandalf nodded.

"Not if he's half the loon you are," Frodo muttered.

"What?" Gandalf asked.

"I said not if he's half the loon you are," Frodo answered as he finished packing.

"Oh, yeah that's what I thought," Gandalf nodded and shrugged.

The two were now magically transported so that Frodo was all ready to go and Gandalf had a green parrot named Smitty resting on his head. A bandage was around Frodo's now infected burnt hand.

"Is your hand going to be okay?" Gandalf asked.

Frodo nodded, "well you know what they say 'it's all fun and games until someone's hand is burnt until the skin is completely black and peeling off his body."

"Yes I heard that one," Gandalf nodded. Awkward silence, "well, um, hobbits are cool. You can learn all there is to know about their ways in a month, and yet after a hundred years, they can still surprise you."

There was suddenly a large fart heard from outside.

"Get down!" Gandalf ordered Frodo, who dropped to the floor immediately.

Gandalf went over to the window and pulled up a wriggling figure from outside then threw it on the table.

"Smelly old Samwise Gamgee! Have you been eves dropping?" Gandalf yelled.

"Um…no?" Sam said hopefully as Smitty began to peck at his hair. Then when Gandalf raised his staff over him he said, "I mean I did hear a great deal about a Dark Lord and something about a recipe but… but please Mister Gandalf, don't turn me into anything unnatural."

"Pfft, fine. I guess Smitty's not getting a girlfriend after all. No, I think I've though of a better use for you."

Hey did that chapter suck or what? I'm not kidding I don't think it was that funny. Oh well, I just need some inspiration. Review please. Please please please? I wasn't kidding before about that Canadian Mob. We have beavers and um uh we ride on moose, you don't wanna mess with us.


	5. Great Men Eat Bugs

A/N Hello again! I have been doing exams lately so I haven't been able to update. Which when you think about it is a pretty bad excuse seeing as I didn't study anyways. Thank you to all my beautiful reviewers (all – what – five of you) for your praise and constructive criticism, I was thinking about giving you all hugs but I have decided that you don't want a hug from me. Dom Monaghan should be arriving at your houses anytime now to give you a nice big hug from me. These author notes are getting too long – here's the fic.

Disclaimer: I own you! Naw just kidding, scared ya didn't I? I don't own anything, not the lord of the rings or even my heart; I left that in San Francisco (a place I've never been to).

Gandalf, Frodo and Sam were walking in a large beautiful forest, carrying with them all their stuff. Gandalf talks about enemies, then leaves. There's a series of shots where the hobbits walk around New Zealand and Frodo quotes Bilbo once. Very exciting.

Sam and Frodo were walking around in Farmer Maggots field when Frodo says the dumbest thing anyone has ever said – ever, "Can I keep him mom, please?" oh wait, that's not it, "...what could possibly happen?"

Pippin and Manny suddenly run into Frodo and Sam knocking them over.

"Oi!" Sam cried, "what's all this about?" He has yet to notice the glaringly obvious fact that the two stole vegetables.

Pippin, ignoring Sam, cries, "look Martin! His eyes are huge!"

"Hello Frodo," Marky Mark slurs, he's drunk again.

"Get off him!" Sam cries pushing Pippin aside and helping Frodo up.

"Jealous are we?" Pippin says laughing his head off (at what? We don't know).

Sam blushed and mumbled something under his breath.

From far away the four hobbits hear a cry, "I'm Farmer Maggot, you two hobbits have been in my crop! Arrgh!"

Five seconds passed as Frodo, Pippin, and the other one stared at Sam.

"Almost..." Frodo said nodding.

"You've been into Farmer Maggots crop!" Sam yelled at Misty.

"There it is!" Maury cried.

Then, realizing that a scary farmer with that big thing the Grim Reaper carries was chasing them, the hobbits ran away as fast as their short legs could carry them.

They ran and ran until Sam pushed them down a small cliff thing. The four hobbits landed in a heap, seemingly unharmed by the very long fall.

"I think I've broken sumfin," Malay whined, pulling a broken carrot from behind his back, finishing the only line most people will remember him for.

"Nice going Pippin and other guy," Sam chastised.

"What? That was a detour my friend, a –um- shortcut, yeah," Morty then passed out from being drunk out of his mind.

"Oh yeah, a shortcut to what?" Sam asked the unsettlingly still Manny.

"Crackers!" cried Pippin, as he caught sight of some mushrooms growing by the road they had landed on. He stumbled over to the patch and began picking them, Sam in tow, "mushroom-shaped crackers! I loves me mushroom-shaped crackers!"

"I think they're just mushrooms," Sam said seriously.

"Oh, well then never mind," Pip sighed and began poking Mabel and laughing.

Frodo was staring down the road, which seemed to be shrinking. His eyes seemed to be getting wider and wider, "I think we should get off the road."

"Sure, we could do that," Pippin answered and continued poking Murphy.

A dramatic, scared and in pain look passed over Frodo's face – and has stayed their 'til the ends of his days, "get off the road!"

Sam jumped up, mouth full of mushrooms and followed Frodo to a spot under a huge tree root. Pippin rolled Mvemsjnup ( that's all the planets! WEEE) over to their hiding place, just in time to avoid the scary pink wraith.

A long time passes as the hot pink rider sniffs around where the hobbits are and all of the bugs begin to crawl around. Pippin grabs a centipede and eats it, thinking it is a moving cracker. Frodo's eyes behind to roll up and he tries to put on the ring, though he is stopped by Sam because Sam wants to put on the ring. To make the rider go away, Pippin picks up Mike and throws him over to his left. The rider goes away and everyone is happy, even Michel because he's still unconscious.

The hobbits run around some more, somehow Merty comes back and says the best line ever said ever. Frodo says that Sam and him must get to Bree and Murray says, wait for it, are you ready? I don't think you are. Oh I'll tell you anyways, "Right...Buckleberry Ferry follow me!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA fun.

The four hobbits run to the ferry and are pursued by a Pink Rider. Nobody is hurt except for Mercedes who got a splinter in his foot; it must have been made of titanium I swear.

Frodo, Sam, Mercutio and Pippin are magically transported to the gate outside Bree where they meet some old cranky guy. They walk along the streets and are scared because of all the men, especially this one guy with a carrot – he looks so familiar.

The four finally make it to 'The Prancing Pony' where they are met by Barliman Butterbur, what.a.name. When Frodo asked for Gandalf the inn-owner told him that the wizard hadn't been there for six months.

"What d'you s'pose happened to 'im?" Madagascar asked.

"Saruman probably killed him or something," Frodo answered.

"Oh. Well let's get pissed then."

"Okay."

Very tired from being magically transported, the four companions sit down for a drink. Milky came over with a large mug and Pippin stared in awe.

"What's that?"

"This, my friend, is a ," his words were cut off when he dunked his head into the mug and began lapping it up like a dog – or Sam style if you prefer.

"I'm getting one!" Pippin cried excited, and he bounced off.

Sam was thankful for his alone time with Frodo, the only problem was that with Pippin and the other one gone his master would notice he was sniffing his hair.

"Oi! What are you doing?" Frodo asked Sam as he pulled his hair away from him.

"Urm...checking for lice?" Sam answered.

"Oh, alright then."

"You know, that guy's staring at you," Sam pointed out, eager to draw Frodo's attention away from himself.

"Well I don't swing that way sister, so looking is all he's gonna do. Mmmmhmmm," Frodo replied, rolling his head.

"What?"

"I dunno."

Butterbur was working up at the bar so Frodo yelled to him, "who's that man in the corner!"

"He's a ranger! S'names Strider because he walks! Scary aint he?" Barliman answered.

"Yeah! Looks like he smells bad too!" Frodo answered, staring at Strider.

"I can hear you, you know," the tall 'I'll-hit-you-in-the-face beautiful' man told Frodo.

All of a sudden everything got really fuzzy and Frodo began to swoon around rolling his eyes into the back of his head.

"Baggins...baggins...baggins..."

"Baggins?" came Pippins voice from the bar, "nope I don't know a Baggins. I know a Sandycrack though, s'names Milly. Funny chap, always drunk."

"Pippin no!" Frodo cried and ran to his second cousin, once removed on his mother's side. He tripped over thin air and accidentally put the ring on...and disappeared. Woah...

No one in the bar really noticed, but he quickly scampered out of sight to take the ring off. Strider then grabbed him and they were magically transported to another room in the Inn.

"You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr. Underhill," Strider scowled.

"My name's Baggins," Frodo answered confused.

"That is no trinket you're carrying."

"I know, it's a ring. The Ring actually," smiled Frodo dumbly.

Other things were said but no one cares anyways. Then bum bada bum! Sam, Pippin and the drunk one run in.

"Oi! I'll have you longshanks!" Sam cried.

"I will beat you with this chair!" Pippin cried.

"I don't know why I have a candelabra. I know! I will burn you, argh!" Moby cried.

"You have a stout heart, but you will still die because you are fat," Strider smiled.

There was a lot of talking and Strider talked about how the ring wraiths are neither living nor dead and they made up a cool diversion.

IN A DIFFERENT ROOM AT THE INN OF THE PRANCING PONY...

The Pink Wraiths come in and start beating the down out of some pillows. Only after ten minutes do they realize that the halflings aren't there. They pull back the covers to reveal the feathers and scream. One problem...they don't see! Wow these wraiths are DUMB...

BACK IN THE HOBBIT/ MAN ROOM OF LOVE...

"Hey it worked!" Pippin laughed.

"Yes, now we must go because it will only take them one day to figure out they should check more than one room in the inn," Strider informed them.

"How do we know we can trust you though? Don't you have **cough** a letter or something from Gandalf?" Frodo asked.

"Nope. For all you know I could kill you in your sleep," Strider nodded.

"Oh, okay, so we leave at dawn then?"

A/N J'ai fini. I think there might be some problems with the tense that I put the story in, it might change from present to past, but who cares right? Please review, please? Well I'm off to do some of the pilottes that I got from a Special K box! Pilottes on! Crackers for everyone who reviews!


	6. Beep Bop Bop Beep Bop Yeah

A/N hmmm... no one reviewed. That makes me very sad. Well I will add another chapter, but if this trend continues I am afraid there will be no more of this fic to be written by me. I love writing it, but I have other stuff I could be doing... oh what am I saying? I have no life, this is all I could be doing! Please for the love of God review! Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Ahem. I'm done now.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Lord of the Rings or the Very Secret Diaries, but I own the Lord of the Rings unofficial colouring book that Mush made me. Ask me no questions, I tell you no lies.

Frodo, Sam, Murphy and Pippin were all trudging through the beautiful New Z – erm Middle Earth countryside lead by the tall, dark, scary-beautiful man they knew as Strider. Sam was quite suspicious of this Man who was leading them into the unknown. It looked like he fancied Frodo, but if he tried anything Sam would kill him.

"How do we know we can trust this Strider fellow anyhow?" Mercury yelled up at Frodo while the party was climbing up a steep hill.

"You don't!" Strider yelled from above.

"Oh my gosh!" Mars yelped, "how did he hear me? He must be some sort of conjurer! I'm scared! Hold me Pip!"

Milk Dud ran to Pippin and hugged him tight around the middle; Pippin patted his friend while laughing at first and then looked down confused. Turning Mandy's face towards him he said, "Uh - who're you then?"

"Don't jest Pip! You know it's M ," but he was cut off by Sam.

"But where his he leading us!"

"To Rivendell, Master Gamgee," Strider answered calmly.

"How is he doing that?" Murt cried, he stumbled backwards and began to roll down the hill. Pippin saw this and rolled down as well, laughing all the while. The rest of the troop then had to climb down to get the two crazed hobbits, forcing everyone to go through the whole song and dance again.

"But where is he leading us!" Sam yelled, frustrated.

"To Rivendell, Master Gamgee," Strider answered calmly.

"Did you hear that Mister Frodo? We're going to see the Elves!" Sam yelped, he had always wanted to see the Elves, whatever they happened to be.

"Of course I heard that, you ninny, I'm right here, and stop screaming everything."

"Sorry!"

It was then that the drunken Mortificus decided to roll back down the hill, Pippin once again followed. Strider kept moving.

"Shouldn't we go get them?" Frodo asked dramatically (drama!).

Strider shrugged, "are they contributing at all to the plot right now?"

"Well, no," Frodo answered.

"Then we should keep moving and eventually they'll show up to provide some comic relief by asking for another morning meal."

"Oh, alright then."

Everyone was then magically transported to some other place in Kiwi-a-gogo – pardon me – I meant Middle Earth land. The four hobbits were unloading stuff from the pony they had picked up in Bree that Sam had dubbed Bill.

Strider turned to see the silly hobbits doing this and shouted, "we don't stop 'til nightfall!"

"What about breakfast?" Pippin asked.

Strider sighed and gave Frodo an I-told-you-so glance. He then took an apple out of his pocket and threw it really hard at Mickey. Miffy seemed to have developed super-human reflexes from all the beer he was drinking (that happens doesn't it? ;) ) because he caught the apple. Strider then pulled out another apple and threw it hard at Pippin; the apple hit him in the head and knocked him unconscious.

"Well, we should keep moving," Strider gave a small smile and began walking again.

Frodo and Sam exchanged a glance before shrugging and heading off to follow their guide. Mory was the last of the three conscious hobbits to start moving. He bent over his friend, picked up the apple that had hit him and wiped it on his shirt before taking a bite (the other one was still in his hand). Musty examined the apple then said, "stupid git bruised it. Bugger," before walking off to join Frodo and Sam.

Beep bop bop beep bop yeah! (That's how you know a magical transportation has taken place)

Everyone was at Weathertop as Strider handed out some blades to the hobbits.

"Oomph!" cried Moo, catching a small sword, "hey, these aren't even sharp!"

Strider grinned maliciously, "I know."

Beep bop bop beep bop yeah! And suddenly it's nighttime and Strider is gone. Frodo was sleeping until he woke up to his companion's voices as well as the crackling of the fire.

"Call me fat will ya!" Sam exclaimed, "I'll make a fire big enough to signal the whole world!"

"He hit me and I fell down and I didn't get up! I didn't get up!" Came Pippin's voice.

"I don't really have anything to complain about!" Minhin said, "but I likes me fire!"

Frodo got up and ran to his silly silly friends, "put it out you fools, put it out!"

"Oh that's nice, ash on my crackers!" Pippin cried as Frodo kicked ash around.

"You don't have any crackers Pippin!" Sam shouted.

Frodo was still yelling at them so Mop tried to make things better, "alright alright," he said as he began pouring his beer on the fire, "look I'm – oh woah!" he exclaimed as the fire grew larger.

Frodo sighed, "no you moron!" He then grabbed Pippin's lit pipe from his hand and put it out, "the Enemy could have seen that!" The fire meanwhile, was roaring away.

Suddenly there was a high-pitched scream.

"Riders!" Frodo cried.

"Actually that was me," Pippin put up his hand, "I really wish you hadn't dumped my weed all over the place."

"Hurry let's go to the top of these ruins so that the riders can trap us in!" Frodo yelled and motioned for the three to follow him up what was left of the watchtower.

"But – " Pippin started.

"Let's go!"

The four halflings ran up to the top and huddled facing outward so that they could see in all directions. A bunch of pink riders came up and began to approach the hobbits.

One of the riders spoke up, "um, we just saw your fire and we were wondering, could you point us to where ?"

"Argh!" Sam ran at the rider and was pushed aside easily.

"No seriously, we just wanted to know where we could find -."

"Boogah boogah!" Merf and Pippin cried and then were thrown aside by the feminine but surprisingly strong Pink Wraith.

Frodo donned his drama face and fell backwards, stupidly dropping his sword, which was dull anyways.

The rider then sighed and then began rubbing its brow, "okay, I just want to know -."

Just then, Frodo put on the Ring and disappeared.

"Wha? Where'd you go? Oh this is ridiculous, no wonder we forgot all about hobbits." The frustrated rider then stabbed out in front of him trying to find the halfling. A cry sounded out.

"Oops," the rider said, "hey, wait a second!" he bent down and looked at the crying Frodo, "are you that 'creature' we've been looking for? Holy crap! Buzz! You gotta see this! It's the creature!"

Another pink rider came over and bent down, "oh man! It is the 'creature'! I thought that Gollum dude was just full of it but look! Here he is! Hey man, um, can I see that Ring fer just, like, a sec?"

"No!" Strider jumped up out of nowhere with fire and swung at the riders making them run away screaming, "no! Not our beautiful robes!"

Everyone then found out that a Morgul blade had stabbed Frodo and his wound was beyond Strider's skill to heal. They needed elvish medicine.

"Well it's a good thing we're going there anyway!" Sam smiled.

Beep bop bop beep bop yeah! And everyone's at the place where the trolls were looking for a way to go. There was a whole thing about Athelas but we don't need to get into that because it wasn't too important except that Arwen showed up and decided to give her love a shave.

"Wait! Arwen? I though Glorfindel was supposed to come to get us!" Strider said confused.

"He was," Arwen answered in her high pitched voice, "but I decided it was best that I did it so I could get more time in a story I wasn't really part of in the first place."

Strider shrugged, "fine with me," he said and they began making out.

After a while Arwen pulled away, "shouldn't we be helping that Frodo guy?"

"Sure, of course, let's got help out Frodo! Frodo! Frodo! Frodo! Why don't you just marry Frodo?" Strider exclaimed.

"What?" Arwen asked as she made her way over to the hobbits.

She appeared before the hobbits as a vision of beauty. There was a large sign around her neck that said 'No Admittance Except on Party Business' there was also another one that said 'Hello I'm an Elf!'

"Wow, what's she?" Muby asked Sam.

"She's an elf," Sam replied with a dreamy expression on his face.

There was some talking in elfish and arguing until it was decided that Arwen gets to take Frodo to see her poppy in Rivendell.

Arwen rode and rode, and then rode some more until she was ambushed by a bunch of Pink Ring Wraiths.

"Excuse me!" One cried, "excuse me!"

"Piss off!" Arwen yelled back.

"Well that was rude! I'm gonna make you pay for saying that! C'mon boys let's get her!"

The pink horses were urged to move faster as their riders began humming the theme song to 'Rocky'.

Arwen passed a small creek on her horse and taunted the riders.

"Adrian! Adrian!" They cried out and the horses began to try to make their way across the water. The horses lost their footing and slipped into the water, being caught up by the incredibly weak current they fell over the waterfall. A couple minutes later a huge tidal wave in the shape of boulders and horses came crashing through the scene – a little late.

Frodo started convulsing and Arwen bent over him, trying to encourage the poison to not take hold.

"No Frodo! No! My part in this story holds no meaning if I don't save you! And who will I have to make Aragorn jealous? No!"

All finito. Now review you crazy fanfic reading people! I'm tired and the OC is on so toodle – oo.


	7. Leprechauns and Acronyms

A/N Well hello there! Thank you very much for the reviews! I love all of my reviewers (read my bio – c'est vrais!) but as I have said before, in a completely platonic and not weird creepy psycho–like way. Cough, yeah.

Disclaimer: The Lord of the Rings is not owned by myself, I don't own the characters, the story, the clothes, the mountains, the doors or the hairy feet, but Marry-a-duck Sandycrack is all mine.

Frodo woke from a strange dream where Sam and a tall, dark drink of water speaking in gibberish, or possibly elvish were bathing him. The scent of strawberries hung in the air.

"Where am I?" the hobbit asked wearily.

"You are in the house of Ronald McCracker, on Brocktober the forty second, at eleventy seven clock in the morning, if you want to know," came a voice from Frodo's bedside.

Frodo's brow creased, "wait, that's not right, house of Ronald McCracker? Who would -?" and then Frodo opened his eyes to see two deep blue ones staring back at him from behind a big bushy beard – that was red.

Frodo sat up quickly, "who are you!"

"Why I am a leprechaun from the Emerald Isle or Tir Na N'og or Las Vegas if you like! You'll never get me lucky charms!" The short green man then kicked Frodo in the side, grabbed his box of cereal and ran off laughing.

"Tee tee tee tah tah tah too too too tee tah too tee!"

Frodo just stared and rubbed his side and his wound, "huh."

After a few seconds passed, the door to Frodo's chamber was opened and Gandalf walked in.

"Gandalf! I thought Saruman had killed you! What happened to you and why didn't you meet us at the inn? Where am I? And where are my friends? And Strider? And that foxy dark-haired woman who saved me from the hot pink riders? Answer me Gandalf before I think of more questions or pass out from the strong scent of strawberries! STRAWBERRIES GANDALF!"

Gandalf sat down in a chair beside Frodo's bed and stared at the panting hobbit, "calm down." He said tiredly.

"Sorry."

"Well I was detained. You see it turns out that Saruman is working for the Enemy now, he is building an army of Uruk Hai and Orcs and plans to attack the free people of Middle Earth and join forces with Sauron."

"Well that sucks," Frodo sighed.

"Uh, yeah. He also knows that you have the Ring, and is determined to get it from you. I only barely escaped him because I was talking to this tripped out butterfly that got this important Eagle guy to fly me away. As for your friends, they're as good as can be expected. Pippin and Muddy are both passed out from the amount of boozing they have been doing, Aragorn (who you know as Strider) is off somewhere making out with Arwen, the um fox? And Sam well, he hasn't left your side," Gandalf pointed at the bed and smiled.

It was then that Frodo noticed the big lump on his one side; he pulled back the covers to reveal a sleeping Sam, huddled up in a ball clutching a doll with an uncanny likeness to Frodo.

Frodo jumped at this sight, which made Sam wake up, "wha-? Oh Frodo!" Sam scrambled out of the bed while still clutching the doll, "I uh – we were so worried about you and I wanted to be here when you woke up so I – uh erm well I - ."

Frodo laughed at his friend's discomfort, "Oh Sam it's alright, you know I think of you as a brother too!"

Sam shuffled his feet, "oh right sure…bro." He smiled weakly, "we were that worried about you, weren't we Mr. Gandalf?"

Gandalf nodded, "yeah, Elrond really helped you out."

A tall, slim man in purple robes appeared out of nowhere.

"Beep bop bop beep bop yeah!" cried Elrond.

Gandalf coughed.

Elrond started, "what? Oh. Welcome to Rivendell Frodo Baggins."

"'Sup?" Frodo nodded.

Beep bop bop beep bop yeah

Frodo and Sam run out into Rivendell to meet Musty and Pippin. There is much hugging and hand holding until Frodo sees someone out of the corner of his eye.

"Peter!" Frodo cries and hugs a large man with dark scraggly hair holding a camera.

"Wha - ! No get off! Frodo! Go see – um – Bilbo!" The man struggled to get the hobbit off of him, "I'm –not - supposed – to – be – in – this – shot!" And with that Frodo fell onto the ground and the large man ran away.

Frodo wasn't too sad though because he had landed at his good cousin/uncle Bilbo's feet.

"Bilbo!" Frodo cried and jumped up, giving the old hobbit a hug.

"Frodo my lad! It's really you! A second ago I thought you came out of your room, yeah it was a leprechaun," Bilbo shrugged.

"Leprechaun!" Frodo cried and ran up to the small leprechaun trying to tug Moppy's ale mug from him and gave the small creature a hug.

About five minutes passed until the large man pulled Frodo off of the leprechaun (now unconscious) and mumbled in his ear that he should go hang out with Bilbo in his room.

beep bop bop beep bop yeah

Frodo was looking at the title page of Bilbo's book and reading it slowly aloud.

"T – A – B – A. TABA? What the heck is taba?"

Bilbo shook his head, "There.And.Back.Again. don't be so silly Frodo you knew that?"

"But why is it an acronym?"

"Because everything is an acronym these days, you need to keep up with the times my boy! Next thing you tell me is that you don't write in mixed lower and upper cased letter!"

Frodo shook his head and re-read the page, "T.A.B.A. A hObBiTs TaLe By: BiLbO BaGgInS, huh, you don't do this during the whole book do you? It gives me a head ache."

Bilbo patted Frodo on the head, "Buddy, any type of reading gives you a head ache. Why don't you just relax and let the smart people handle things? That's a good lad."

Beep Bop Bop Beep Bop Yeah

Frodo walked up to Sam packing up his things.

"Packed already?" Frodo gave a little half smile.

"No harm in being prepared."

"I thought you wanted to see the elves Sam, more than anything."

"I do, I did! I just, I want to go home."

"This isn't about that brother thing is it?"

Sam shrugged, "no."

"Well then what is it?"

Sam looked at the ground, "well, you know Mahjong has been puking on me a lot, Pippin keeps asking the elves to sell him some pipeweed, and this skinny blonde elf guy keeps walking around the halls buck naked. I – it's disturbing."

Frodo nodded, "ah."

Beep Bop Bop Beep Bop Yeah

"His strength returns," Elrond observed as he saw the two hobbits from a balcony.

"Well aren't you observant," Gandalf replied.

" cough well yes. Now let's do this quickly because I find this part extremely boring and only necessary for the people who haven't been paying attention to the journey thus far," Elrond told Gandalf.

Gandalf, who was busy watching Sam try to convince Frodo that he needed a bath, turned to Elrond, "what?"

"The Ring can't stay here; I'm really upset about Saruman betraying us, men are weak," Elrond said quickly.

Gandalf nodded, "well I see your 'the Ring can't stay here' and raise you an 'I know' and I'll meet your 'I'm mad about Saruman' with a 'who cares we all saw it coming anyways' and all men aren't weak just because a couple of them gave into the dark side, that's like saying all elves are painfully obvious with their speech just because you said that comment about Frodo healing."

From below the balcony you could here Legolas gasp, "I'm in Rivendell, and there are trees here! Is that a hobbit? Wow, hobbits are small!"

Elrond coughed, "so Aragorn, he's a man. Isn't that cool?"

Boromir, a man from Gondor, walked up to the shrine in Rivendell and picked up Narsil, "wow! A sword! Haha!" Boromir turned to Aragorn who was finishing off 'Watership Down', "wanna play swords? I'll be the pirate captain and you can be the mutineer! It'll be –" Boromir's words tapered off at the look on Aragorn's face.

"It's just a broken heirloom," Boromir sighed and put the hilt down on the shrine before walking away. The hilt fell from the shrine and Aragorn sat up.

"You better pick that up fool!" Aragorn cried.

"Pick it up yourself you bugger," Boromir said and stalked away, "stupid git, gives me that look, I'm not reading a book about rabbits," he mumbled.

Aragorn put the sword back and ran after Boromir to give him a good thumping.

"Why do you fear the past?" Arwen said as she came from out of nowhere. She realized there was no one there, got angry and then sauntered off to see if that cute drunk hobbit would make out with her.

Beep Bop Bop Beep Bop Yeah

Arwen and Aragorn are suddenly hanging out on a bridge and talking in elvish.

"I love you," Arwen said in her soft but high pitched voice.

"Well I love you too," Aragorn replied.

"If you take a bath I'm willing to give up my immortality to be with you," Arwen gave Aragorn her necklace and they kissed.

After a bit, Aragorn pulled away, "so, are we done here now?"

Arwen shrugged, "I guess."

Aragorn nodded, "alright then. You wanna get a bite to eat then? Or a drink? I hear that little drunk hobbit fellow has some really good hard liquor."

"Um, sure, but I don't really want to talk to that hobbit. I think he wants to make out with me or something; he was coming on to me earlier."

"That's not how I heard it."

Beep Bop Bop Beep Bop Yeah

A group of most of the important characters where all gathered for Elrond's council.

"Strangers from far away, friends that I know, people who aren't supposed to be here," Elrond let his voice carry around the semi-circle around a stone pedestal.

"Oi!" came a cry from Elrond's right, it was Pippin, "could you talk a bit louder I'm having some trouble hearing ya!"

Elrond looked at Pippin like he was an idiot (not far from the truth sometimes) and shook his head slowly.

"You all have been summoned here to answer to the threat of Mordor," Elrond continued, "we need to unite or we'll fall yada yada yada you know the rest. So Frodo, how 'bout you bring forth that Ring?"

"MM k," replied Frodo as he casually placed the Ring on the pedestal.

"So it is true," whispered Boromir, "hobbit's really _are _small. Oh right, and there's a ring there too."

"It's the DOOM OF MEN!" cried some random man from Laketown as he jumped up and ran off the cliff thingy.

"No it's a gift!" cried Boromir, "give it to me! I'll – um – use the gift. My people have died to keep your lands safe! MY PEOPLE! Uh huh," Boromir nodded.

Aragorn sighed, "you can't wield the Ring you blundering idiot. No one can."

"And what would a smelly guy who's hooked up with Elrond's daughter know of this matter?" Boromir shoot back.

"He's not just a smelly man!" Legolas cried, "he's Aragorn!"

"Have a dad Legolas," Aragorn said, motioning for the elf to sit down.

"What?"

"Have a dad," Aragorn said in a tone implying what he was saying was obvious, "it means sit down in elvish."

"Dude, can you even speak elvish?" Legolas asked as he sat down.

"Of course I can you goobety gobber um – hatface," Aragorn shot back and sat down.

Elrond began to speak again, "we must destroy the Ring."

Gimli the dwarf stood up, "Then let's do it." He got up and started spitting on the Ring, when nothing happened he cried, "nothing's happening!"

Elrond sighed, "the Ring cannot be destroyed Gimli son of Gloin, by any weapon we here posses, not even your – um – spit. We have to take it to Mount Doom."

The Ring then spoke, "Ash Nack."

"What?" Legolas asked.

"Ash Nack!"

"Look I don't think you people realize you can't just make up your own language!" Legolas yelled.

"One of you has to take the Ring to Mordor. I say we use the eeny miney mo method," Elrond advised.

"One does not simple walk into Mordor, there are – like – big scary things and stuff," Boromir said and everyone stared, "it smells there, der. Why don't you, you know, just give me the Ring and –."

"Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond just said?" Legolas cried, "the Ring must be destroyed."

"And I supposed you think you're the one to do it!" Gimli growled.

"And when we fail? What then! We're all going to smell soon and that's not good!" Boromir stood up.

"You're an elf and I want to argue with you!" Gimli yelled.

Commotion began to grow amongst everyone in the group except Frodo.

"Rabble, rabble, rabble," everyone cried.

That look of dramatic painful drama came into Frodo's face again as he stared at the Ring, "I will take it! Guys I will take it!"

Since Frodo couldn't be heard over the rabbling he tried a different method, "I'm gay and proud!" he yelled.

A hush fell over the group, "I will take the Ring to Mordor, but I don't know how to get there."

"I'll help you there," Gandalf said and stood behind Frodo.

"I'll protect you with my mighty sword, and strong body odour," Aragorn said, and stood behind Frodo.

"You can have my bow, but not really because I need it. A bow is what shoots the arrow," Legolas smiled and stood behind Frodo.

"My axe," Gimli growled this sentence fragment and joined the others behind Frodo.

"Gondor!" Boromir cried out and joined the group.

"Ireland!" the leprechaun shouted and started throwing cereal everywhere, "tee tee tee tah toh tah tee hee hee!"

"Hey!" Sam shouted, "Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me!"

"No indeed, it is hardly to separate you two, even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not," Elrond said, bemused.

"You let the leprechaun come," Sam mumbled.

"Actually I don't even know how he got here," Elrond's brow creased.

"There always after me lucky charms!" the leprechaun (let's call him Charlie O'Boyle the Leprechaun) ran off laughing (tee tee tee toh and so on).

"Wait! We're coming too!" Pippin cried out as he and Mutty ran out from some pillars.

Pippin made it all the way to Frodo's side, Moop tripped and fell, and stayed down.

"He's always doing that," Pippin shook his head, "besides you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission, quest, thing."

Gandalf shook his head, "no we don't."

"But who will supply you with the good pipeweed?" Pippin reasoned.

"Yeah that's true," Gimli nodded.

Elrond nudged Murphy with his foot, when the hobbit didn't respond he nodded his head and said, "Nine companions…so be it! You shall be the FOTR!"

"The what now?" Frodo asked.

"Yeah WTF is FOTR?" asked Sam.

"Well you are the FOTR to fight the LOTR," reasoned Elrond.

"LOTR WTF?" Frodo asked.

"Exactly," smiled Elrond.

Happy Belated St. Patty's day! Ahh I'm tired…night all on this side of the world! Review gosh darnit! This chapter was long….


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